Cheyenne
I think country music is designed to break you down, break your heart and finally make you appreciate what you have. I have love, which is more than most people have. I have love to give, but I haven’t been so great at that lately.
I have a terrible fear of being alone, but at the same time it’s all I really want. And that’s a bad thing – I shouldn’t want that.
I think I still feel an unreasonable amount of guilt, but I don’t think that’s the problem.
I had a few drinks and a good cry and I am pathetic but I think I feel better. That unexplainable anger is gone.
All the dreams that they’d been livin’, in the California sand
Died right there beside him in Cheyenne.
They say she just went crazy, screamin’ out his name
She ran out into the ocean, and to this day they claim
That if you go down by the water, you’ll see her footprints in the sand
‘Cause every night she walks the beaches of Cheyenne.
Arizona
I’m thinking about it.
There are two things holding me back.
But it might be what I need.
Barrier.
I like to pretend people are interested, when the fact is, they just aren’t.
I like to wish for things I’ll never get.
I like waking up at 9am on a Saturday and choosing to go back to sleep, just to dream. I blame my psych class for this.
I like the way the internet works, because I can go from insanely happy to really sad with just a few clicks of the mouse. I’m sad, and I don’t know why. I guess it’s just those memories passing through my soul.
I sometimes miss those moments, but if you could see me now… well, you wouldn’t want that anymore. For me, not you.
There are people I wouldn’t start a conversation with, but if they showed up at my door I’d hug them and tell them I missed them. And I wouldn’t be lying.
Tied up…
I think the reason I haven’t applied for any jobs is because I am responsible.
What?
I’m responsible, and I’m tired of it. It’s not that I want to struggle, but it kind of is. Maybe if something big is stressing me out for once, I won’t get all worked up over the little things.
I don’t say half the things I want to, because I feel I’m responsible for people’s feelings. When I finally let go, I do damage.
I’m not holding back, and I’m throwing away my doubts. Tonight.
I’m tired of taking care of everyone. I feel responsible for putting things together. I do not feel pressure to be perfect, and yet I strive to be.
I do not like to talk about myself, my feelings, anything. I used to get so annoyed with her when she would not shut up about herself. Blogs are for self-centered analysis. They’re for hidden messages.
Somewhere else.
Tonight I look like I could not go out in public. Tonight I’m wearing warm clothes. Tonight, I have candles burning for no one in particular.
I don’t feel bad tonight. But my emotions are mixed.
Puzzle
Really good gift idea: take me to a store and let me pick out a jigsaw puzzle. They’re cheap, and they provide me with so much happiness.
I currently only have one. My life is boring.
Clingy
If you text me and I don’t answer within an hour, it probably means I do not want to talk to you. My phone is always in my hand. If you text me every few days and I don’t respond, it means the same thing.
If I NEVER initiate a conversation with you, that doesn’t mean I’m playing hard to get. It means I do not want to talk to you. Ever.
If it seems like I’m in a hurry to end a chat on facebook, if I make up an excuse to go that seeeems flimsy, it’s most likely because I do not want to talk to you.
If I delete you from facebook, don’t kid yourself. Don’t try to add me again, thinking maybe it was a mistake. I will ignore you, because I do not ever want to talk to you.
In any friendship there is give and take. You’re giving giving giving, but I’m not taking. I don’t want it. We’re not friends.
We can’t be friends because you’re creepy. Trying too hard. I’m not going to give you any. And we can’t be friends for that reason: you’ll think it gives you the right to start taking. I’m done with that.
Why I mixed myself up with annoying people, I’ll never know. It was most likely out of desperation, out of boredom, because my life was not progressing the way I wanted it to. But now, everything’s fine. And I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want to get high with you. I don’t want to go anywhere with you, I want you to leave me alone.
I would like to bring to everyone’s attention…
… that this horoscope website is still dead-on, every time. I don’t care if it’s a load of crap, it’s always right.
You’re likely to be much more concerned with business matters than usual right now. And negotiations with others over money or property issues might also be on the agenda for you today. Just be aware that you might not always be on the same page with others when it comes to some financial matters at this time.
There could be some potential for deception where a business partner is concerned right now. So try not to make any major commitments if you can help it. It might not be the best time to be borrowing or lending any money either. Whatever happens, you’ll probably end up doing a lot of thinking about your whole financial situation today.
I lost my job today. My store closed, due to a failing economy and not enough sales in the off-season. Which I understand, but I would really have appreciated a little more notice than five minutes before the end of my last shift. How am I supposed to pay my rent? I can’t survive on financial aid alone. I could take advantage of unemployment… that’s what it’s there for, right?
Deception. There were so many warning signs, I should have seen it coming. They stopped production of… everything. Put a “Broken” sign up on the ice cream machine, when it was not broken at all. We stopped making custom cakes. Sold all of the cupcakes in the freezer and did not make any more. They took half of our inventory of utensils and things, leaving us with barely enough to run the store. But they had an excuse for everything.
Sarah changed the layout of the store about a week ago, and when I made a negative comment, she replied, “Oh, you won’t have to worry about it much longer.” That freaked me out, and I asked her if I was going to lose my job, which she very adamantly denied. She knew for over a week and she lied right to my face, on many occasions. I could have used that week to look for another job.
Bottom line, I am upset. But I talked to the very nice guy at the mall store who used to work for my boss, and he whispered over the counter that he would be taking an ambulance driver job pretty soon and there would be a job opening. We’ll see. For now I guess I’ll just enjoy not having to drive to Alpine four times a week. Having actual free time.
I’m going to miss my coworkers.
Nonsense
I revert. I hang on. I cling. I smile, a real smile. One no one’s seen all year.
I’ve been trying to walk through the fog. Let go. You can take back the words, but the feeling’s still there. You can say “I’m sorry” until your voice cracks and fades. You can be forgiven.
Out. Out of this state of consciousness, out of the shallow water and into the depths. Unfriendly seas become calm.
I’m in the background, on the radio
I’m in your car, in your house, waiting at your door
Under your footsteps, I’m everything you know
Just let me haunt, let me haunt, let me be your ghost.
Treading lightly
Are there people you like on facebook better than you like in real life? People you would rather text than see face-to-face? Maybe things would be awkward, but maybe they would be fine, if you ever saw them under normal circumstances. I sometimes like the idea of a person better than the actual person.
Sometimes, I don’t have to feel bad. Sure, I took it for granted, I took a chance, I took an important thing, and I ran. And I’m sorry, but that’s life. I’m doing better than I expected of myself. I’m living in a dream, no struggles and no patterns. Nothing is the same.
I find it amazing that people are trying so hard to catch me. As if I can be caught. But, I don’t believe in that anymore. I will continue to smile as I shut you down. Ignore your advances, avoid your invitations. Because I am still a woman, and I can be so cruel.
Take the jumps.
Got hit on twice today. Sort of. Strike one was an ex’s (best) friend confessing that he had the biggest crush on me when I was dating said ex. He had a girlfriend, but is newly single. But, is an asshole. Could not handle me.
Strike two would be a very awkward carhop at Sonic. He came to my car three times, when only once was necessary. He walked up when I was having the most intense brainfreeze of my life. But it was more than a brainfreeze. I used to get them a lot about six months ago. It extends down through my head into my chest.
I’m on the meds.
There is a strike three. However, I refuse to go down that same road. I refuse to have the talk. I absolutely will not put myself through that again.
And, I’m out.
Why don’t I act on impulse? If my brain tells me no, I won’t. I don’t make illogical decisions when it comes to commitment. Maybe I should. Maybe I should just do what makes me happy and I’ll deal with the consequences later. I mean, it all fits, except that. THAT. Difference is the worst similarity.
I can’t love. I don’t even want to get close to it.
Pending
This is why I’m a good best friend: If you call me crying after midnight I will get out of whoever’s bed I’m in to talk to you, even if I can’t offer any help.
Negative energy last night. A little frustrated. Slept wrong on my shoulder so my entire right side hurts. Had weird half-dreams. Couldn’t shake that feeling. But, I was comfortable. I’m comfortable in this.
I bought a 5lb bag of gummy bears, and guess what I’m going to do now? Lay on my living room floor and eat them until I pass out.
I will stand my fucking ground. One, two, three things I’m talking about here. Three people. I’m not here for this. I don’t need this.
Once is enough, twice is too many, three would be suicide. I’m not going to be stupid about it.
You are the moon.
Shadows all around you as you surface from the dark
Emerging from the gentle grip of night’s unfolding arms
Darkness, darkness everywhere, do you feel all alone?
The subtle grace of gravity, the heavy weight of stone
You don’t see what you possess, a beauty calm and clear
It floods the sky and blurs the darkness like a chandelier
All the light that you possess is skewed by lakes and seas
The shattered surface, so imperfect, is all that you believe
I will bring a mirror, so silver, so exact
So precise and so pristine, a perfect pane of glass
I will set the mirror up to face the blackened sky
You will see your beauty every moment that you rise
Every thought
The neighbors upstairs are moving furniture and yelling at each other in spanish. I feel like they’re trying to come through the ceiling.
My roommate is passed out on the couch. Sick this week.
I have work at 10am tomorrow, and after that I hope to do something that isn’t awkward. I don’t want to explain myself to your family.
I wonder if all the people I passed on the way home saw me dancing in my car and wished they could be young again. I was having the time of my life.
I bought two new shirts I’m still skeptical about. I’m going to try out the cute grunge thing this semester. Plaid and stuff.
My bedroom is a mess… this whole apartment is a mess. Bottles FILL the counter. I haven’t really been home for days. I haven’t slept in my bed for three or four nights in a row. I took a nap on the floor today, and it was nice. I got home at 10 and passed out for two hours. Side effects of going against the routine. Having fun.
Seventeen minutes isn’t bad. It’s how far I’d normally travel, it’s just ALL uphill.
This chaos, this calamity, this garden once was perfect
Give your immortality to me, I’ll set you up against the stars.
Buckcherry’s “So Far” is my life right now. Except the smoking, I’m not smoking. But I am trying to “fill the fucking hole inside of me”. And no, that’s not what she said.
I still have no direction. I’m this close to a freakout. If this doesn’t work, I don’t know. I don’t have any other options. I might as well just get pregnant so I don’t have to pick a career. (kidding)
I’ve been having chest pain again. But I will not tell you, because you don’t need my problems. I’m not in the business of making people feel sorry for me. I don’t like playing the victim. But I figure, if I have a heart attack in the next week, at least the internet was aware.
Oh my.
I’m pretty messed up. Why anyone would want to date me right now is beyond me. And yet here you are. Wanting to be “whatever you want me to be.” Letting me drive this thing. But then I feel bad: I feel like I’m using you. I want to give so much more but I just can’t handle it. I have actually turned into a commitment-phobe, and that did not happen overnight. I need something I can walk away from. I need to be able to run, escape, get out… but I fear I’m getting in too deep.
I know it’s not the same. I don’t expect or want it to be the same. But I notice the differences, just like last time. The comparisons. The fact that it’s somehow better when it’s not serious. No commitment, no pressure to change, and no feelings of inadequacy. For that matter, no feelings of guilt, which is a first.
It’s not like I had to steer you off the path. You walked. Hell, you RAN.
Over over over. Over it.
Currently…
After I burn a bridge, cut someone out, I always have a little window of relapse. One moment of “I miss them, I wish I had them back.” The smart thing to do when I feel it is NOT to act, because I’m usually over it in a day or two. But there’s always a window, always a chance.
So I sent him a text. I almost did it again last night, because I drove by a car crash outside his old house. I wanted conversation.
But today I woke up free. I honestly can’t say that I care.
I woke up so happy, this morning. It’s actually becoming common. In the wake of a beautiful meteor shower over a pretty little lake in the mountains with a sweet boy. You can’t get more romantic than that.
Why can’t I?
Mutual
You are among my top favorite people because there is give and take. A lot of my friends don’t offer that. I don’t consider them “best” for that reason. If I have a problem, you are there to listen, guaranteed. If you have a problem, I’ll do everything in my power to try to fix it, even if it’s just being your only friend who doesn’t suck. I missed this. Maybe that’s why I was so miserable over that stretch of time: I had no one to really spill my guts to. I’m so thankful to have you back because WHAT would I do without you? Especially in this situation. People are disappointed in me, friends tell me I’m wrong, but you say it’s okay. I think it’s okay.
I resist.
I need to get out of my head.
I’ve been in an Alanis mood today, and that’s probably bad for my health. High highs and low lows and bouts of random emotion.
Why do I always do this the same way? Can’t I try something original for once? Something new and different that won’t leave me hurting in the end.
I don’t know about this. I can’t decide what I want. I guess I’ll let it play out, and I’ll wait. Then I’ll speak up for myself.
I haven’t talked. I haven’t said what I need to. I’ll try.
I’ll doze off safe and soundly, but I’ll miss your arms around me.
When people look at me, I want them to see a girl who has her shit together, not someone who is damaged.
What happens if I fall for the guy who makes me laugh? The guy I want to spend all my time with? Would that be so tragic?
Maybe when I’m done with endings this can begin.
I don’t know where I’m going with this.
I’m done done done with love. Love fucks everything up. I like attraction, and lust, and the things that have no feelings attached.
I will not get attached. He’s trying so hard but I refuse to be hurt again, so I’ll stay neutral.
As if I’ve been neutral so far…
I like the feeling of safety. I like that when a man is screaming bloody murder outside my apartment there is someone to hold me while I freak out. Keep my curious ass from going to the window.
But maybe I also like danger.
Laughing, she says, “Can you please love him?” And my answer is no, no I can’t. I have lost my ability to see men as anything more than what they are, and I don’t think I am capable of loving again. Men are just objects.
Sifting through my memories,
I have no idea why I missed my opportunity, that day on the playground, by the swings, you picked me up and I should have kissed you. If I regret anything in my entire life, it’s that.
If you find your way back to me someday, I won’t make the same mistake. I promise.
I’ve made so many poor choices this week, I’m a walking wreck. Time for some stability… or more poor choices.
There’s no way to dig myself out of this hole without risking everything.
Sometimes I question my own intentions.
I kind of don’t have the energy to deal with all this shit. I feel like being apathetic. I have choices and I don’t know how to make them.
I promised on a shot. Will I keep the promise? Probably. Will I be miserable about it? For sure.
No more. Enough. Stop stop stop.
I can’t remember last night. People keep telling me about things I did, and I’m slowly piecing the night back together, but it’s difficult and frustrating. There are still several hours unaccounted for. I drank myself into oblivion, and that is not happening again.
Mostly, I’m embarassed.
I’m actually embarassed about a lot of things I’ve been doing lately. Not that I regret anything, but I sort of wish I hadn’t placed myself in situations like that. I wish I hadn’t gotten so involved.
What’s done is done, but it’s still waking up next to me. I want it to be over.
I want to recover.
The F WORD.
How did my life go from amazing to just one big fucking mess? Now I feel like I’ve messed up.
The infinite wisdom of my best friend:
“If it makes you feel anything negative, cut it out of your life. Fuck power, fuck guilt, fuck complications. If it makes you unhappy to have that drama, step back. Try it another time. Worry about your happiness.”
I’m going to drink myself to sleep tonight, because I’ve never been so confused.
I broke the rule
And I have snapped. I let my emotions go. I admitted the truth.
I still don’t know what I want.
I am such a complicated, confusing mess, and I just need someone who understands to come over and sit on my couch with me. Let me lean up against them while they tell me how I feel is not my fault, and it’s going to be fine.
Just, no one understands.
I’ve been trying not to let heavy decisions rule my life. I’ve been trying to keep them off my mind. But, I can’t ignore anymore.
I think it’s safe.
Numbering.
I haven’t slept in days. Really slept. I’ve gotten maybe 4 hours every night, but it’s not enough.
I am stressed. Boys are nothing but trouble. Rejecting makes me feel bad but I know it’s not right for my life right now. And yet he continues to be nice, so I can’t push him away. I may have gotten myself in a little farther than I’d planned.
I will not.
1. Corrupt.
2. Let myself be cornered.
3. Get angry.
4. Say no anymore.
5. Ignore the advice of my best friends.
6. Beg.
Happy :]
1. Music has started speaking to me again.
2. My current situation is something to smile about. What I’m doing at home tonight, while my roommate is at work, is thinking about it. I’ve got to figure out what I want. Well, I know what I want. I especially know what I don’t want, and that is a repeat.
I feel special. I feel like this is no different than before, but it is somehow.
3. Also, I am enjoying the power that I hold, in every situation. In life! My life is so good right now, it’s ridiculous. I’ve found myself smiling when there’s no one watching me, again.
4. I’m not playing nice on this one. I really mean it this time.
But it’s going to work out.
Holy fucking shit what the hell am I doing ahh I don’t know what the fuck is happening god damn why do I do this to myself…
Can not process thoughts.
Finale.
I’ve decided I know what my problem is. In school, in relationships, in life. I don’t have a passion. I don’t have anything else to put my energy into, so I throw everything into friendships and relationships and then they collapse.
You’re going to read this and say, “Duh.” Well, I’ve been thinking it too. I can’t find a way to change it. And no, I’m not doing that.
I want to be a therapist, I think. That’s why I’m taking all psych-type classes next semester: getting my feet wet to see if I like it. When I thought I wanted to be an engineer, I took physics and HATED it, and it turned me off to the whole idea.
I sort of want to do what my mom does.
I just had this overwhelming feeling of helplessness.
Mind games.
Sometimes I just go home and I want someone to text me good night. Someone to care. But I don’t want the emotional baggage that comes along with a relationship. I don’t need someone to always be there, and I certainly don’t need a boyfriend. I want the beginning stages of something, where the boy still does cute teasing stuff, sends sweet texts, and initiates conversation. Texts me in the morning to ask how I’m feeling after getting drunk texts the night before. Caring.
Teasing. Mind games are so frustrating. I’m kind of enjoying it though; I don’t know what’s waiting around that corner. I’m sort of afraid to look but I’m also really excited.
This all came out as a jumbled mess because the words are just gushing through my fingers. I don’t know what I’m doing, or what I’ve gotten myself into.
I waited.
I got full-body chills several times today. Something is different. Something is wrong. The earth’s balance has shifted, and I feel weird.
I’m going to like tomorrow for 10 or 15 measly minutes. It’s really sad that I’ll look forward to those few minutes for a week and a half, but when they come I just let them breeze by. I need to do something. I need to be active.
I just can’t hold my eyes open.
Shifting gears.
I’ve been having a lot of coffee lately. Today I had coffee with someone who I don’t see often but I definitely consider a friend. When bad things happen in my life she’s always the first to offer an ear, and sympathy, and advice. I take it for granted that I can vent to her any time, but I’m going to make an effort to be there for her as much as I can, because she has much bigger problems than I do.
So today, she completely trusted me with her biggest secret, without any up-front agreement to keep it private, and no assumptions that I would judge her. I don’t intend to tell anyone. I don’t have accidents.
I can see how torn up she is, but there is nothing I can do to help her.
I put myself at ease, for good this time. I don’t think I initially made the wrong decision, but it was a good idea to take it back. I’m not going to comment any more on this because it is no longer relevant to my life.
If I wasn’t obvious enough, please let me know.
Unfortunately,
I can’t blog about it until it’s happened, because I am not tactless.
It’s just that I have so much to say.
Carry me.
I won’t break.
Repeat.
I won’t break.
Repeat.
I won’t break.
Over and over until it sticks, this time. This is how I handle myself. This is how I fight tears. This is what I’m doing as I sit alone on my couch.
Door and windows locked, knife. Fan. Movie. No tears, not doing it. I found them buried.
I don’t want this.
Repeat.
Get a grip.
I feel disrespected. It sucks to have to tiptoe, and to have to hide the pills. It sucks that I know things I shouldn’t.
It’s terrible that I don’t feel a thing. That I’m so immune to this that I can turn off and check out.
I can talk people through problems. I consider it one of my strengths. But, I can’t help anyone if I don’t know what their problems are. If they keep so much held inside that they completely shut down. Shut the door and shut up.
I have some hard advice to give, but I’ll bite my tongue as always. It’s not easier, it’s not better, but it’s the only way I can survive this.
Reality!
This isn’t in my imagination, for once. How does something like this happen? How can I let it?
How can I keep from bursting with excitement while trying to be vague?
One problem! I’m ignoring the problem. I don’t know if it’s a problem, yet.
Oh, this is fun. I’m getting a nice rush from doing basically nothing.
It’s funny ’cause I promised myself that I’d never let this happen again. I’d been warned, and I’d been told, but it’s these moments of clarity that cripple me most.
Pure.
Maybe we’re just all fed up with your crap. Maybe we all turned away from you because you suck at being a friend. Maybe we thought that when we reached out, you would be there, but you weren’t. We weren’t good enough for you to be there.
Now you have an opportunity: you could change everything. If you regret, don’t wait for someone else to fix it. You have to do some work, and you have to say you’re sorry. To me. Don’t say it to someone else and hope it gets back to me (which it did), that’s a cop-out. If you meant it, you will do it right.
My guess is that you didn’t mean it. You are manipulative and I have taught you well enough that you can BS your way out of any situation.
The door is cracked. It’s not open, but all it will take is one firm push from you. If you care, show up at my door.
Speaking of,
When we can see things clearer than we think we see them now,
Maybe kiss each other sweetly without trying to bite down,
Maybe then all this will be better.
It’s easier this way.
I feel like I need to cry, but I will not let myself break. I will not give in to that.
I find it ironic that when I start telling myself to stop living in the past, that’s when I actually begin to.
Unconscious.
I am not living in the past. Sometimes I revert: I have my moments of memory, and I comment, but I don’t dwell on any emotions I was feeling then. Then doesn’t matter. It made me who I am today, but I am not that person. I am this person, and I am not living in the past.
I’m done with the analysis. I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I have other things to focus my attention on, other people. I’ve had enough self-absorption, and I’m done with the analysis.
One thing. This is so strange. This is not a this. This is me not freaking out. I am being rational, and calm, and the everything good that everyone is looking for.
It’s harder to write now that I know people are reading.
Defrag.
I don’t know why you couldn’t just stay with me, you couldn’t stand to be near me.
I would never let anybody I truly liked, into my own head. I put up this uncomplicated front, but it’s true that I do not have my shit together and it scares me to death.
There’s no bitter taste. You would be proud of me, for being this
Open. I opened that door between acquaintances and friends. Maybe there’s hope for me after all.
Theme.
One more long night.
One more security guard.
One more instance of me having absolutely no courage or belief that I could do that and not seriously embarass myself.
Really? Why do you all have so much faith in me? I would feel beyond awkward. I never do that. I’ve never been brave enough. Plus, I’ve never needed to flirt because I always fall for friends.
One more drink.
One more sleep.
If time will tell.
I’m disgusted. That’s the feeling that’s taken over. Disgust.
It was so easy. I shut the door and it was over.
It’s so easy to take advantage of me. Use me, use me. Don’t choose me.
I’m the one you’ll send dirty texts to behind her back. Or behind no one’s back, just for kicks. I’m the rebound, the revenge. I’m the one who isn’t quite good enough.
I’m the one on the outside.
Let’s drive around some. I’d like to burn up a gas tank just for the sake of letting my tires connect to the pavement. Good music and no map. Let’s lose ourselves.
I’d tell it to your face, but you lost your face along the way.
I refuse to crumble.
When I have no way out of an emotionally difficult situation, I shut down. I shut you out.
The only person I’ve allowed myself to cry in front of recently has gone away again. But she proved to me, like she does time I see her, that she is the best friend I will ever have. She followed me like only a best friend would, and she reassured me. I haven’t really had anyone do that yet, at least not in a way that meant so much. I’ve been scolded for my emotions, the ones I can’t even help.
The ones I don’t have anymore. You’ve lost me, for good. I’m sure that doesn’t mean a lot to you, but for me, it’s a big step away from who I was, and a final goodbye to the guilt.
Bridges burned.
I really hate the way you treat me like no other, and I refuse to be your victim.
You’re so sick, you’ll never miss me. I’m finally done with your shit. Your judgements, your lies, and your fake smile. I no longer need anything from you. If you call me, I’ll ignore it. It will go to voicemail after two rings and you’ll know you aren’t missed. It hurts more to pinch myself than it does to let go of you. Fuck you.
I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m done with you too. I need one thing back from you, but I don’t need your friendship. I don’t need you to be anywhere near me, and I can’t wait to live a life free of you. I don’t love you anymore.
This pain I’ve been feeling has been pushed to its limit. You finally did something to make me truly angry, you hurt me a little more than I can tolerate, and now I can move on and leave you in my past. That’s all it takes. I am stronger than I have been.
Let go, there’s nothing left to lose.
Dive deep, leave it all behind.
11:11, drunk.
I have a few confessions to make, but I will refrain. I’m not all the way inside my own head and I know it would only make the situation worse.
Not that it’s a situation at all. Not like it matters. Not like it’s the only thing holding me back from living my life the way I really want to live it. No, that is the only way I want to live, and that’s the truth. I’m so bad at making decisions, so quick to change my mind. So eager to please, but so tortured.
I almost said some things that, yeah, would really hurt you. Because they really hurt me. But who am I to know what will hurt you anymore? I don’t know you. You’re not the same person. You look at me differently than you used to and I can tell you don’t miss me the way that I miss you.
Things I don’t usually share.
I’m finding myself unable to process. I’m still on the edge, trying to hang on to my sanity but feeling pulled the other way. Stuck between happy and depressed, in neutral. It’s anyone’s game now.
I make excuses for bad behavior. It’s impulsive. I justify and rationalize and I ignore what’s really going on. Well, I refuse to put up with any more bull shit, or any more assholes. I’m done playing with impossible people.
I am so damn dependable. I’m everyone’s crying shoulder. But I am disconnected and uncertain, and I wish things were different. I have such a capacity for grudges.
I used to have a really hard time opening up to people. In 2007, my explanation was, “I’m afraid they’ll see me through my own eyes.” But it’s fine now. Now, I like myself.
I’ve been trying out a new thing lately. I’m not reading between the lines, I’m not obsessing over anything, and I’m not overthinking. Nothing.
All I could do.
I don’t have any more words. Really. I’ve been stripped of my ability to form coherent sentences from the thoughts high-speed-chasing around my head.
But you know, that’s okay.
I’m trying to find inspiration in the song lyrics, but it’s different this time because I don’t know exactly what I’m feeling.
Change isn’t scary. I’ve been learning to roll with it, because it happens. Good and bad and lukewarm, change is constant. Super cliche.
Apathy is a virtue sometimes. I think if you care too much, you will never find peace. You’ll be in a perpetual state of worry and stress until you finally implode.
Yeah, and I don’t know where I’m coming from,
And I don’t know where I’m coming to.
And I don’t know what it means to me,
And you don’t know what it means to you.
She doesn’t mean you.
I’m falling more in love with the distance put between us.
There are a lot of words in my head that I can’t publish. They won’t go through my fingers to the keyboard, because they would hurt you.
I am angry. I am still appalled. I’m still, still, broken. I’ve been spending my nights trying to forget, but there’s only so much I can do. Only so long I can push the memories away. I always remember, the next morning, where I am and how shitty I feel every second.
I’m so disappointed in you. I was there, 100% who I said I was. Honest, and not trying to be something I’m not. You lied. Yes, you did. You lied to yourself and to me, thinking we could make it through an obvious barrier. There was no avoiding it, but I didn’t change. Somewhere along the line, you did.
I lied to you, just now. I’m not fine.
Subject change. I’m so excited about this. I don’t know what it is that thrills me every time. This happens a lot… I should be used to it, I should be able to write it off. But I find it always on my mind.
Such darkness.
In my head, I’m on the subject of how much relationships suck the life out of you. How they trap you in a circle of love and loss and regrets, hurt feelings and swollen hearts. I’m not going to let this happen every fucking time. I’ve had enough. I’ve had too many [of the same type of guy] and I’m done. I want more of a challenge. I want someone who will take me seriously, who will tell me that I mean the world. Who will want to take me everywhere, now and in the future. There aren’t enough of these people in the world, to satisfy my craving for a real man.
I’m loving this single life I’ve been living. I’m finally free to flirt without any guilt. I didn’t flirt before. I pushed other guys away. Although they may have dragged me through some rough times, I believe these relationships also dragged me out of that shell. But maybe that’s just a part of growing up. I like to think they weren’t such a waste of time, that I could walk away with something more than empty promises and mixed emotions. I know what love is, now, but now that I’ve lost it I don’t feel quite as much of a pull. I no longer feel as if my life will end when the love does. Maybe that means I’ve never loved. Love is supposed to tear your heart out of your chest. I have felt that before, but the feeling goes away in such a short amount of time I wonder if that’s what I felt at all.
This is all just one big mindfuck. You say it would happen under different circumstances but you don’t mean it. Clearly there are some boundaries to be stepped over. Come here. Tell me to my face, what you want. I’ll listen, I’ll help. Quit fucking with my head, making me want to run back to where I’ve always, always felt safe. I just keep going back to you.
There are no words.
But I’m going to make some up.
I laughed more last night that I have in years. I’m sure the alcohol helped, but I think it might just have been the four of us trying to yell over each other to tell our own crazy stories. Haha.
I dig reconnections. I told myself I wouldn’t let you back in, but how could I not? I realized last night how much I missed you! And the fact that you let me text (and horribly insult) ex-boyfriends from your phone… So great. I’m ready to have friends back. I’m ready to crawl out of the dark and be social again.
I love living here. I love every single thing about it. Except fuses that blow and leave four girls and Nick standing very confused in the dark. I love my roommate- you couldn’t find a better match anywhere! I so enjoy being able to go out at midnight and not have anyone to answer to.
Point is, my life is starting to turn around and finally go the way I want it to.
Such a good mood, such an awful stomachache.
Check.
If this is where we ended up, then I refuse to be so hard on myself this time.
I’m sitting in a corner, behind my new front door. It’s the only spot in the whole apartment that can hold a wifi signal.
I see that my attitude has changed about this whole situation. I’m doing what I always do. I’m a wreck for a little while, and then suddenly it switches. Instead of being sad, or angry, I’m indifferent. I don’t give a fuck about what I say. If it hurts you. If we ever meet again. It’s done and gone in my head.
Every time. Some of the people I’ve done this to have managed to crawl back into my life, and I’m okay with that. In fact, I really like it. I recognize that I have a destructive habit of burning bridges.
I don’t let people who have hurt me back in until I’ve passed the indifferent stage, because I have turned my filter off. I am no longer thinking of feelings or sentiment or anything.
I’ve only ever locked one person out.
I think the text message was the breaking point. A TEXT MESSAGE. I put in seven months of time, and money, and love, and I get a text message. Great that I meant that much. Fantastic. Thanks.
Thursday.
I’m alone in a coffee shop, surrounded by attractive people, and it’s refreshing. Refreshing not to be at work, not to be lightheaded from laughing. Not to have any responsibility, or commitments, or stress. To just relax in the quiet buzz of a place so alive.
I can’t help that sinking feeling, but I’m trying to bring it back up. Trying. Not quite there yet, not yet okay. I have moments, and then I have moments of relapse, of torture.
I wish I could be brave enough. I wish I had the nerve to approach, to smile, to leave myself hanging out on that edge, vulnerable again. It could be worth it.
I am not made of stone.
This was not supposed to happen. It still feels wrong.
I’ve had plenty of days, plenty of things to take my mind off of it, but it’s still on my mind and in my heart every second. It’s worse at night, when I’m alone.
What I think I want would upset a lot of people. I don’t think I would trust myself not to just fall again and have it end the same way. I have options that aren’t really options. They are, in my head, but in reality there is nothing there.
I was easily frustrated today, and it wasn’t anybody’s fault. It was a buildup of memories and sadness and exhaustion. I can’t sleep unless I knock myself out. When I don’t, I have dreams. I hate dreams. Dreams are the visual manifestation of my heartbreak.
Your apologies aren’t worth anything. They carry no weight. They mean nothing, because you don’t mean them. I don’t want them to be the last thing I hear as I walk away. They will resound.
It was the “right” thing, but it was not a good thing. No good emotions came from it. No relief. Just tears and tears.
Time, you left me standing there
Like a tree growing all alone
The wind just stripped me bare.
Pause.
There’s no time for this. No time to waste. I’m high and driving, I’m laughing. I smiled.
Because this could be dangerous. This could be the same. Or it could be… nothing. There’s nothing to say, to do, but smile about it. Have confidence. Teach someone else of the hope every sunrise brings. There are new days ahead.
The old ones have gone, leaving me all alone. Alone and unchanged, but still here. Still dragged kicking and screaming toward the change. I won’t run, I won’t fight. I’ll float in my own bubble of bliss and comfort, until it pops and I fall to the ground. But that’s enough of a promise for now.
Live and let live,
Love and let go.
Give Love and you will never be alone.
Fading softly.
“Days when everything goes wrong seem to be more common lately… and I’m having just as many as it takes to completely smash me through the floor. But we’ll pull through. Have our hearts broken, our spirits crushed, but come out on the other side stronger and better for it.”
I don’t know if it’s necessary to quote myself, but I said this to someone. Why can’t I turn it around and take my own advice? Why can’t I look at my face in the mirror and tell myself that I’m going to be okay?
I’m reevaluating my life. I spend this week soul-searching, for lack of a better term. I got a temporary fix to keep my tears away, to keep my heartbreak from distracting me, and I really focused on who I am and what I can believe. And you know what? It wasn’t any of the things I’ve been saying lately. I will never believe in God. There’s no chance of me changing. I was handing out false hope.
“In order to be supported by such a foundation, his construction must be like one constructed of spiders’ webs: delicate enough to be carried along by the waves, strong enough not to be blown apart by every wind.” – Nietzsche
I think I’m strong. I think, “I’ll be fine, in time.” Yet a simple song is enough to send me over the edge. The same song as before. A “Dude, buddy, have I told you I love you?!” text is not enough to cheer me up, even when it comes from the most sincere and honest of acquaintances. This is deep and intense… pain.
Life is dull without you. Any happiness I felt this week, “having you back,” has drained. The city is quiet, the flowers dead. There are no visions of joy through these lifeless eyes. But I can fake it.
“Sometimes we cling to the things that aren’t meant to be because we’re comfortable with things the way they are. We just don’t want the change, even if we aren’t happy with how things are.”
I don’t know what it is about you that just makes me go crazy. Maybe it’s because I knew I’d never be able to hold on to you.
You always said you’d never marry me, and I didn’t expect it. I just didn’t want all hope to vanish with those cold assertions.
There was an instance where you told me, “I want to be with you forever.” Well, we all know how that ends. I think you said it because I was crying. Because you thought I was going to break up with you. But you didn’t have to say it, if you didn’t mean it. It wouldn’t have changed anything if you hadn’t. We’d still be here, today. I just wouldn’t be so bitter about the broken promise. The broken heart.
Then there was that time I told you I thought I’d make a good mom, and you said I’d never be one.
A note to any men reading: Women remember EVERYTHING you say, and yes, it will still hurt her long after you’re gone.
The life.
You don’t understand what it’s like to be rejected for the very core of your spirit- the foundation of your life, everything you believe. To be cast aside because your love is worthless unless it is righteous. Your life nothing without the fundamental guide, rulebook, morals, and teachings that countless have been deceived to follow. I am incompatible because I am free. I THINK FOR MYSELF, therefore I am nothing. I QUESTION, and you throw them away. I CHALLENGE, so you feel I attack. I TOLD YOU I LOVE YOU, but it wasn’t enough. Never enough.
Unwell.
I refuse to just fucking stand up for myself.
I need an opportunity to speak my mind, with nothing on the line.
Nothing I can say.
“Babe, if you believe that, why hang on?”
It doesn’t hurt any less if I let him go.
I’m pretty guarded. I just let you in too far and you ripped everything apart on your way out. Now, I am vulnerable. Now, my words and actions don’t have consequences.
Just a cigarette gone, no you couldn’t be that far
I’m driving my car to where I hope you are.
Maybe I can talk you down.
We’re standing on a tiny ledge, before this goes over the edge.
Gonna use my heart and not my head
And try to open up your eyes.
The screen is swimming.
I’m not getting better, I’m just getting better at hiding it. The tears are fewer, the emotions hidden deeper, and the system working.
I handle this whole process relatively quickly. Because I’m a rational person, I see what happened, why, and why it needs to stay that way. What needs to be done in order to keep it that way. How I can make it easier. In every aspect of life. Some call that controlling. I like to think of it as “doing what’s best.”
I can go from calm to angry in a matter of seconds, but the angry is always a calm, collected angry. Always put together, with some substance. I’m full of words, but words are only words.
And the screen really does appear to be swimming, up and down… This is cool. My body is tingling. I feel like I’m about to pass out.
Disconnected images.
I can hear the forest falling.
Where this is going isn’t good.
We’ll take it back. We can win.
I can taste the ocean crashing.
Yell if you’re drowning, and I’ll be there.
Save you, save me. No, there’s no saving me.
Still, I can smell the roses growing.
Out of the ground and into the sky.
Dying from birth, until the last petal wilts.
I can feel the colors running.
Expectations dropped.
Leave me here, leave me be. I’ll be fine.
You wish you were me.
I have had THE worst week imaginable.
Let’s just go through and list all of the terrible things I have had to put up with over the last seven days.
A crushing blow to the heart. A “break”. A breakup. A ridiculous final. Work. My period starting two weeks early because I stopped taking my birth control. A $20 prescription suddenly being $40, and the hassle of changing it to something I don’t want (but is a sufficient amount to just fucking kill me). Driving back and forth and back and forth from home to the beach and back and again and again and again and driving my car to death. A flat tire on the freeway, and all things related. (Waiting an hour for AAA to change it, getting up at 7 to get it fixed before work.) Feeling guilty. Work. My driver’s side window refusing to roll up or be pulled up. Losing half of my car’s ROOF on the freeway, then going back three hours later to look for it with my asshole of a father and finding nothing. JURY DUTY! When I can’t afford to take any time off in the midst of moving out and adjusting to paying for things I’ve never had to pay for before.
And all of this when my heart is just… broken. I’m crying and breaking down every single day and all of this shit just piles up.
I can’t keep it together. I can’t. I can’t do it anymore.
Only one good thing came out of this week. I have a great friend back and we signed a lease for an apartment. We move in on the 19th.
Nice things people have said about me.
“I’ve no doubt your future will be filled with numerous successes – your leadership, though quiet, as your presence, is very strong.”
“Quietly and unassumingly you will take over and redesign the world!”
“You’re a smart, kind, dedicated young woman, and I know you will do great things. Be well, do good.”
“You are truly your own girl with the will power to make a difference.”
I haven’t seen any of those people in a year. Am I fulfilling their expectations? No, I’m not.
The biggest disappointments I feel are all of the things I was good at but gave up. I used to play the violin. I designed my senior yearbook, and a lot of other stuff I clicked “Don’t save” on. I miss the 24″ silver mac I spent that year in front of. I miss having power, and all the answers.
I am the most dependable person ever. I think it’s a downfall. I never blow people off. I’m rarely late. I’m always where I say I’m going to be. I remember everything. I haven’t flirted with anyone in a year and a half, because I believe in committed relationships really being committed. I’m so boring.
I’ve felt like I needed to rattle the bars for a while. Now that my whole life has been sufficiently shaken up, it’s about time for things to start falling into place. I need to stop being Miss Reliable and start forging a path for myself. Start having some fun.
This is confusion.
I don’t know what it was. Something changed in your voice.
I don’t know what I did. It must have been wrong.
I don’t know why I offered. There’s nothing left.
I don’t know what I was thinking.
I don’t know what I want.
I don’t know what I can do, about this.
It’s always about what I can do. How I can fix it. It’s never me sitting back and letting things happen. I have control and anger issues, deep inside. The controlling part comes out when I’m put in a difficult situation, the anger when someone hurts me. But it’s me being angry with myself for trusting that person.
I know who I trust. It’s not you. Not anymore. It’s not her, it’s not them.
I’m just brokenhearted. There’s that dull ache that stops me from smiling when I’m alone. I used to. I called it happiness. Love. When you’re truly happy, you’ll smile even when there’s no one around to see it. It’s like how laughing in an empty room makes you feel ridiculous, but you don’t care. Now I’m just fighting the urge to cry, when I’m alone. When I’m listening to The Script, which is an amazing band.
How can I move on when I’m still in love with you?
These things take time, and I’m just looking for a quick fix. A system restart.
Stop walking away from me. I’m not pushing anymore.
Texture.
What a joke.
I’m soaked, to the skin.
Drowning Drowning Drowning.
Hanging. Suspended, suspense. Disaster.
We learn from our mistakes.
Do I want to learn? Do I want to grow up?
I’m not living my life that way.
Let’s talk about it. I’ll turn my car around.
But I won’t change, for you.
This is who I am.
There is hope for me. Someday there will be.
Don’t let it bring you down. Or me. Or them. It’s okay.
It’s fine.
I’m enough for me.
So hard to let you go.
I still can’t describe how much you mean to me. I can’t tell you how I’m wishing every second that you’ll change your mind, that you’ll accept me. That we just need a little time, and then we’ll fix it. I can’t let you fall in love with someone else while I’m still in love with you, and that will be forever.
Closure is tricky. I’m definitely not getting it. Closure is when I’m okay with everything between us. When I’m ready to move on, because I recognize that this is the best thing for me. Closure was easy before. When someone really betrays you it’s no problem to turn away from them and never look back.
But you’re still amazing. You still care. Part of me wishes you’d said or done something really horrible so I wouldn’t have to love you anymore.
You want to stay in contact, but I’ll tell you: I only want to talk to you all the time if there’s any hope of us being together. Otherwise, I need some time to forget how incredible you are… I need to be able to move on and stand on my own feet. For a little while at least. When you want to talk to me every day, it’s like nothing has changed. That’s so unhealthy. I still think of you as my boyfriend if you do that. Give me some time to get over you.
Unless there’s hope. If there’s hope of us ever being together, I want those emotions. I want that love to stay. You’re right, we need some time to figure things out, but that’s so open-ended. Does it mean you’ll want me back eventually? You said you don’t see me in your future, and I believe it.
I can hang on as long as it takes, or I can give up and be okay. Just tell me where I stand.
Admission.
Because I can’t fix it or control it, I’m stuck in this weird phase where I don’t believe it’s over. It’s not gone, and I can’t push it away. There’s just this feeling of intense heartbreak completely drowning me.
I can’t get it off my mind, even for a second. How I should have handled things differently, how I was never really everything he was searching for.
I’m still searching for myself. I don’t have my life quite figured out. I don’t know what I want to do, who I want to be, or what I believe. I’ve been using the word limbo a lot lately. “This is all temporary. This is supposed to be the inbetween time.”
Maybe, when I do get it all together, it will work again. But I think right now we’re both in a place of transition and we just can’t hang on to each other.
The fact remains: No matter how in love we are, no matter how good it feels to be with him and to know that he cares about me, this isn’t right. I’m not capable of being everything he wants in a girl, even though he’s everything I’ve been looking for.
I knew that from the beginning, but I allowed myself to fall for him. Now that we’re done, I’m so sorry. I have so much to apologize for. What I said last night didn’t even scratch the surface of what I really feel remorse for.
I need another moment like that. Sitting with him on the couch, speaking honestly because I still trust him the most, acting like nothing is wrong and we’re just getting over a fight. This just isn’t a fight, it’s the real thing. I don’t want him out of my life. It’s so hard to resist the urge I have every second to call him and ask how his day’s going, or beg him to come comfort me like he used to. The people I used to depend on to comfort me are all gone. Whether they find it hard to talk to me because of a difference we have, or think I have written them off and have no desire to reconnect, or they live in another state. They left me, and he took their places. I’m sure it was wrong to let myself rely on just one person. As I watched all of my friendships fall apart I knew how this would end. I’d be completely alone with no way to mend my broken heart. It’s times like this that people turn to God. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.
I need someone right now.
You can’t play on broken strings.
What am I doing?
Reevaluation.
The truth hurts, and lies worse.
Fragmented.
Turning into dust.
I just want to die knowing I’ve never been untrue to myself. That I’ve always done what I thought was the right thing, whether it’s for me or for someone else.
Now the right thing for someone else might not be the right thing for me, and I don’t know how to choose. I won’t sacrifice my integrity and get myself into something I don’t truly want, even if it’s the key to getting what I want most. The door is not closed, but I’m not going through it yet.
I didn’t sleep last night, and it finally makes sense. Today I’m not worried, not upset. Not caring.
I don’t have any school stress, because I’ve decided I won’t do the volunteer project for Geography. It’s due in about two weeks. I have time. I just won’t. I might write a paper in protest: why I don’t think it’s fair to force students to VOLUNTEER for a grade. VOLUNTEERing is a choice that I’m supposed to make myself.
I think I can get a B in the class if I don’t do it. Maybe I’ll actually get some points if I write the protest paper… but probably not. My professor doesn’t have much of a sense of humor.
Stick with me.
I’ve changed into somebody I don’t like. I’ll be trying to change back, but I barely remember who I was in the first place.
Are there things that make you panic?
Today has left me feeling great. I had a good day. The first honestly good day I’ve had in a week or two.
I woke up, picked up Jeff, and went to my 8am class. Then we took the rest of the day off. I left school and spent the whole day in bed. But not my bed. It was relaxing, playful, and it felt like it did when we were new. That’s important because lately we haven’t had very much time to just spend with each other – no plans or obligations. And then I went to work, did a thirty-minute close and was home before 9.
Now I can’t sleep. I find it’s a common problem when I have good days. Like my body doesn’t want to shut down and end the happiness.
I read all of my old blogs on my other account. I was really stressed about college for MONTHS, and reading those blogs again was pretty annoying.
I don’t know if I’m making sense right now!
Hold your own, know your name, and go your own way.
And everything, everything will be fine.
What I think of that.
Every time he goes to church I worry that this is going to be the time he decides the difference is too much. That he can’t be with someone he can’t share every part of his life with.
He’s at church right now, and I’m scared someone is going to say something that triggers a realization. I’m scared every time that they’re going to find a bible passage that convinces him to break up with me. I won’t even let him read this because I think it might make too much sense.
I know that I am always welcome at church. I know. If I want to go, I will go. But I don’t want to change. I don’t want to be one of those people. I don’t need to be! And I’m going to stop believing that I have to be. If you can’t be with me the way I am, we shouldn’t be together. But since you love me, I hope you can accept me. It’s always been such a big fucking deal to everyone, what I believe, why, why I can’t just be normal. Even teachers. I am so tired of trying to explain myself, because it never comes out the way I want it to.
I’m also tired of worrying about this. I’m sick of it always being on my mind. I need some closure – either we’re going to be okay, or we’re not. It doesn’t have to be forever, but I want to know that we’ll make it for a little while. I can’t take this uncertainty.
I know he feels guilty.
I DESERVE IT.
I had a bad day. Got home at midnight last night, took a shower, talked to Jeff, took forever to fall asleep, woke up four hours later with my hair still wet. School. Test. Lie. Test. Quiz. I had a bad day.
I could not explain what I was feeling. I’ve had a constant dialogue running through my head, but I guess spitting it out was not easy enough. I didn’t want to try and fail, because I could absolutely have said the wrong thing.
But at this moment, I’m rocking out to some of that Fall Out Boy shit I like, and I realize my life is pretty great. At this moment. Because this music transports me to 10th grade, when I didn’t worry about my job or my major or relationships, or money, or the meeting of all of those things, where it turns into a great ball of stress.
I can’t keep up with this being-nice-and-helpful-all-the-time BS without getting some of it back. Sometimes I feel like I do SO much, and then it gets thrown back in my face like you don’t notice or appreciate it, when I ask you to please do something easy for me and you can’t just automatically do it. You look at me like I don’t deserve it. Come on. What do I have to do to make you see that I need some affection to? I need to feel like I matter to you, I need to feel like you care and want to make me happy.
I DESERVE IT.
Six months sober.
I’ve had a lot of time to reflect. On myself and my choices, on other people and their choices, on my happiness and unhappiness. I’ve come to a conclusion. When I finally woke up to the idea, it hit me like a train. I create illusions of what I want, as if they’re real. If I want an apology, I’ll pretend like I got an honest one, and I’ll convince myself that I’m satisfied with insincerity. Since I’ve realized this, I’ve been focused on reversing the damage. I don’t let people get away with hurting my feelings anymore. I forgive, but not as on-the-spot when there’s a “sorry” involved as I used to.
I was so blinded by what I thought was my first taste of love that I never questioned the word. Of course it wasn’t real. Of course it was based on a false assumption. Of course it was me following what I had already planned out for myself. I was scared. It was a lie that I told, that I thought would eventually turn into truth, but I tricked myself into believing love was already there. I never got a chance to fall into it, like you’re supposed to. Like I have now.
Now I have these dreams. A side effect printed right on the information packet. They’re not real. That never happened. I can’t go back and do it over, I can’t do it better, I can’t put myself there again. I don’t want to. But in my dreams, I feel so powerful. Because I’m not bending to someone else’s will, I’m not hanging on to false hope. I’m not sad. I say all those things I never had the courage to say, and I leave.
I don’t feel it anymore. It doesn’t hurt, it’s not a sore spot. For six months it’s just been part of the past – a story to tell… but I don’t tell it anymore. It’s too complicated now.
Th_ f_t_r_.
I’d like to buy a vowel.
There’s still a huge part of me that loves to mess with typography. Lining up text and searching for coordinating fonts, making everything look perfect and up to my standards, even if it’s just to say No, I don’t want to save changes to Untitled.
I want a job where people hand me stuff they’ve drawn out on paper and pay me to recreate it on the computer. I have no creative ideas of my own. At this stage of my life, that’s the only career I would feel comfortable in, but there’s no such thing. In that industry, you have to know how to cook without the recipe.
I feel like I’m going through the motions of college without really going anywhere. I have yet to land upon a career path. And it’s not that I’m torn between options – I have nothing. No idea. No way.
I’m not made for this world.
When my heart beats fast.
I’m in a weird place, and it hurts. I know I’m being responsible, and I’m proud of myself, but it’s really hard to make those right choices. But I can’t say what’s right, and I certainly can’t judge you, or look down on you at all. I just felt disrespected. I don’t know how to do this.
I have a lot of things to say to a few different people, but those blogs always end badly. People get bitter, and stay bitter, and I can’t afford to speak my mind right now. I don’t think I’m even ready to. I’m being very vague because I don’t want to have to talk about my problems when you ask. Mostly because it’s stuff you’ve heard a hundred times and I know you’re tired of me dwelling on.
Every time I want to explain it, I can’t. I just want to cry. Because I don’t think you’d understand and I’m too weak to face that rejection. On my drive home today I found the perfect words.
You’re the one I love and the only one I ever want to love, and I hope with everything I have that we make it through this.
I had an actual mental breakdown on Saturday night. Not my first, but definitely the worst. I had never felt so hopeless. I’m okay now, but there’s still that “How did this happen?” after effect. I’ll admit that I feel a little lost. I feel abandoned, and it’s all my fault.
I think I’m going to get a tattoo that says “I live for love.” Maybe in Latin, because I like Latin. I’m also considering the outline of a peace sign. I’ve eliminated the heart, not because I don’t want it (I really do), I just don’t think it’ll turn out the way I want it to. I only like hearts I draw myself.
Speaking of hearts, I don’t know what’s wrong with mine. It’s still beating too fast, and I’m still having trouble breathing. It could be my imagination, but what was wrong there (before strep) is still wrong.
Screw it, I’m doing it anyway.
I can’t fault you for it. You were kind of having your heart broken. I mean, if it hadn’t been for Jeff kissing me that night I would have used Halloween as an excuse to get completely wasted.
I don’t feel like I ever got a chance to explain, and I have the words now.
Ugh. It took a full hour to get my thoughts out. I’m losing it.
God dammit.
I seem to only be able to blog when I’m angry. When something bad has happened. And right now, I can’t even express in words what has happened to hurt me so much.
You should know better! We’ve been over this! Please don’t play dumb. Please, if I mean anything to you, own up to it and apologize. Now I’m coming off as “that” girl who expects everyone to work to be her friend, but that’s not it. It was an easy rule not to break, and you broke it! Urrrrgh I’m so mad right now.
I’m going out.
Maybe it’s because I’m crazy.
Maybe it’s because I just can’t honestly tell you what I want.
I haven’t had anything to say in a while. Maybe it’s because I’m happy. I’ve got an amazing boyfriend, a new semester ahead, and I’m prepared for the next few months with no doubts or worries.
Or maybe it’s because my computer crashed, I lost my job, and I feel like reality is slipping. I’m kind of angry all the time. Little things just get under my skin. Like that. Like everything you say. I have fixed my life, I’m on a good track with recollecting those who mean the most, and I’m fine. But every single time, I feel like breaking. How. Dare. You.
Keeping them in my pocket.
They have to be this, they have to be that. They have to be perfect in every way.
You can have standards. You can have taste.
What’s true is you really don’t know what you want until you meet them.
Please, because I love that.
Kill me to make me stronger. Look what you’ve gone and done.
You want to know who I really am?
Yeah so do I, yeah so do I.
There’s nothing like being emotionally torn limb-from-limb to really wake you up.
I can’t publish this shit.
From Survivor.
“The truth is you can be orphaned again and again and again.
The truth is you will be.
And the secret is, this will hurt less and less each time until you can’t feel a thing.”
Change of pace.
I can’t sleep. Or I don’t want to. Tonight felt too amazing.
I’m already filling up my new journal. I found a secret pocket! I got really excited, and I’ve filled that up too. Now all I need is a good place to hide the book itself.
It’s refreshing to let everything spill out. The stuff that’s not supposed to bother me, that does, that I’m not supposed to be bitter about, but I am, I can let go and not have to worry about being judged, or having everything I say spread around. Seriously makes up for all the years I dealt with that kind of betrayal. (and you have the nerve to call me selfish?)
I’m just happy. Really happy tonight.
For happiness is anyone and anything at all, that’s loved by you.
Honestly.
I wonder how someone can make it through eighteen years of life and still spell it “wensday.”
Hello, I could use rescuing.
Or some Nyquil. Or some peaceful sleep.
I am angry right now. I could tell you all the things I need, but it would be futile. I won’t be getting anything I need.
I’ve been out of tissues for about three months. Now I’m sick, and I need some tissues.
I want Shuffle to be nicer to me.
I should get another kitten. I’d name him Shuffle.
I lied, I got three things I really needed tonight. One was my best friend. Two, those words he said. Three, those words I said.
Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes.
I make no sense.
As you drown look up through the sea,
and remember there’s still more left for me.
Living.
It’s common knowledge that you only get one chance. But no, maybe you get another. Maybe you get as many as you need to finally make it stick, this time. Maybe all you needed was the failure to spark the success. A new chance, new hope.
I never want to go back. Never want to make those mistakes again. I have so much to say but I know I’ll never get to. I won’t let myself.
L.
I don’t know how I feel about Love anymore. I’m not even sure I know what it is. Sure, it’s easy to take a good feeling and call it Love, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to tell the difference when Love hurt me so badly before.
Maybe it’s not Love I should be cautious of. Maybe I shouldn’t fear it, now. Maybe my feelings are right, and this time, hopefully, I’ve got a good person to give them to. Last time, I wasted my Love. Yeah, wasted. I don’t regret it, but loving him was a waste of my time.
I’m saying Love with a capital L. I’m telling him I Love him because it’s what I truly believe in my heart. But I still don’t know my opinion of Love. How I feel about it has changed. How do I let it consume me, again? How do I trust myself enough to make this different?
No surrender.
I just keep thinking the worst of her. I don’t want to be thinking the worst, but these ideas are swimming and I don’t know if I should follow them. It’s all wrong. That can’t be true. There’s no way I could put my trust in someone and watch while it’s completely obliterated. There’s nothing I can do, nothing I could do.
Make me forget. Make me forget all of this so it isn’t wearing on me anymore.
.
I made two big decisions.
1. (Is a secret!)
2. I don’t want all of those promises. I expect this to be different.
Tomorrow will be better. I’ll get an early start, and I might get to work. I do love work. It’s refreshing to be good at something, and to have people to laugh with.
Well it’s good to see your smiling face, and to hear your voice again
We could sleep in the twilight, by the riverbed
With this wide open country in our hearts, and these romantic dreams in our heads.
Once we made a promise we swore we’d always remember
No retreat, baby, no surrender.
This just lit up my world:
“when you walked into my life i was unaware of how much love you truly possesed… and how much life was inside your heart…. i love you… you are gorgeous!!!!”
September 9, 2006
And I’m leaving it at that.
Rare.
Someday you’ll wake up and realize that all the people you thought loved you, never really loved you. That you were just a mistake in their eyes. And your world will try to come crashing down, as you always knew it would, but something big will stop it. Something that listens. Something you can feel. Something that will echo through your empty walls, something that will save you. And you’ll realize that you weren’t the mistake.
Baby baby baby.
It’s weird. As I shuffle, every song changes my mood. That isn’t supposed to happen. Maybe I’m fragile tonight.
Just when I think I’m high, I fall.
I can’t write anything that makes sense.
I don’t really have any problems.
Even when the skies are gray
Even when I’m away
I’ll be with you.
It’s true.
I know everyone’s abandoning me. I know everyone turned and ran because they didn’t like a choice I made. What kind of friends are you? Why do I keep wasting time on people when they’re only going to screw me over?
Yeah, that hurts. No, it’s not fine. Because I don’t know what to do to fix it, and to be perfectly honest, I don’t want to. If I can’t count on you to stick by me, you weren’t a friend in the first place. That goes for everyone. I don’t care if you’re picking a side. This isn’t a fight. This is friendship, and it’s not supposed to feel like this.
The worst part is I can’t shake it. Can’t just shrug it off, can’t be apathetic. Because I cared about you. You meant the most, and I went and let this rip a hole through my heart. I don’t see why, after all this time, you’d decide I don’t mean anything to you. You can’t be that selfish, and I didn’t ever want to think of you that way. I guess I don’t have a choice; your two faces are both turned away from me now.
There’s a problem at the root of this. I can’t be what you all want me to be. Maybe I should just start pretending.
Scattered thoughts.
I got to dwelling and ranting and now I’m upset.
I love having neutral people to talk to, but it’s hard to find anyone like that.
It’s the 17th. What a waste.
I can’t make up my mind, and I can’t choose a font for the thing I’m working on.
I can’t make up my mind, and I can’t decide which direction I want to take with school.
I can’t make up my mind, and I can’t tell if I’m happy trying. Or if I should be at all.
“Feel the fear and do it anyway.”
I need an edge to stand on.
Fine.
I’ll be fine. It’s fine. I say those words too often. I say them when it’s not fine at all. When nothing could possibly be considered ‘fine’, I say it. I say “I’m sure” when I’m not sure about anything. I’m just trying to make myself feel better.
And since the roof fell in, I’ll lean on what matters
Caught in the slightest wind, everything else unravels
Whatever I can do to make you believe I’m invincible.
This is all of it.
I just need to talk out everything I’ve been thinking, but since there’s no one to talk to at this hour, I’m going to pretend I’m saying this out loud, to you.
I know why I like you so much. Unlike Korrine, who sees the good in everyone, I see the bad in everyone. I can tell who will hurt me, and who I can trust. There’s no bad in you, anywhere. I can’t find a single flaw. Alright, there are flaws, but they don’t bother me. I love everything about you. Your little quirks that would drive me insane if it were anybody else. Your ambition. The things you stand for, even if we disagree. We see the world differently but I think that’s what makes us special. Without all this, you wouldn’t be you, and I wouldn’t be completely falling.
With you, everything’s a new adventure. When we go out, you take me places I’ve never been, and we make memories that will stand out. When we stay in, you smile, you make me smile, you compliment me, and you make me believe you actually like me. This is a complete flip from what I’m used to. I hate comparing you to him. I feel disgusting when I do it, but it’s all I know.
I’ve been thinking about that. Not about him, but about me. I’m usually so good at reading people. What’s bothering me now is I don’t know how I’ll be able to trust myself again. I thought I knew. I knew. I could tell something was wrong back in March. But I refused to let go of the only thing making me happy, so I became unhappy. I don’t think my heart ever actually healed. I think it ate away at me every night, until I was miserable but still hanging on. And a month ago, when things started to change, I could tell something was wrong, again. I didn’t know what it was, but it tortured me for all that time. I was crying every night for no reason at all. Just something felt different, and I didn’t like it. I came so close to ending it, but looking back, I’m glad I didn’t. I would have never known, and I would have never had closure. I would have gone on thinking it was me that went wrong, and I would have blamed myself when it was not my fault at all. But I couldn’t trust my instincts like I should have. This is scary, since I rely so heavily on my intuition and my ability to judge people. Now I don’t know what to do.
I feel like there’s more I should be saying, but it’s about 2:30 am and all I can think about is you, and how I can’t wait to see you smiling at me, and how I hope you read all of that and will melt all of my worries away tomorrow with a big hug. I think they heal me. I’ve been broken for eight months, and all of a sudden I’m excited to be alive. I’m ready to be happy again, and NOTHING will get in the way.
I’m sorry if this is on the verge of ruining a friendship. I really am. But can’t you see?
It’s okay if you had to go away.
I’m actually feeling a little down for the first time all week.
1. I guess Prop 8 passed, and that’s a bummer. The only one I was really against is now all set up to ruin lives.
2. I have to miss Physics again tomorrow, and it’s our last class before the test Thursday. I haven’t been in a few weeks. I don’t know what’s on the test, I don’t know what to teach myself, I haven’t done the last two online homework assignments, and I’ve essentially given up. But I have to work tomorrow. They scheduled me during school and I couldn’t find anyone to cover. So it’s very likely I’ll fail our second exam, and that’s scary. If I fail this class, I think I have to pay back all of my financial aid money because I won’t be meeting the requirements.
3. It’s getting hard to try. I don’t want to try if it’s obvious I won’t get any results. I can’t fix it, and I can’t say I’m sorry anymore. I’m not sorry for anything but what I’ve apologized for, and I don’t know what’s expected of me. I’m just getting tired of the negativity. I don’t want blame, but I don’t need forgiveness.
Alright, I don’t even care.
My mom is so amazing. Her advice is to “be classy” and it’s exactly what I was going to do. Sure, maybe I’ve broken that already, but I’m not going to hold petty arguments over something that is completely not my fault. She says, “I bet he’s just trying to make it so some of the blame is on you,” which is exactly what he did for our entire relationship. He could never just apologize.
I find it amusing that he sent me a Skype message. “I’d just like to say thanks for lying to me about Jeff. that’s all.” Honestly? If that’s “all” he has to say to me, he’s an even bigger fail of a boyfriend than I thought he was. It’s nice that he wanted to prove to me that he was a waste of my time.
Yeah, and everyone’s mad at me. I don’t need to be supported, because at this point I just don’t care. It would be great if I could ignore what everyone is telling me, but if I tell you all to shut up, I’ll have lost some friends. I don’t want that. I just want to do what is making me happy, and the people who are against it need to stop blowing everything out of proportion.
I’m done thinking about this. I’m done talking about it. From now on, the focus is my happiness. Selfish and necessary.
When I need advice, I’ll ask. If I ask, it’s because I want someone to tell me what’s right. In this case, I know what’s right. I haven’t asked for advice.
So irritating.
I can’t make my thoughts flow in my head. I can’t organize them to put them here, much less say them to your face. Did I expect you to understand? No. But I was hoping you’d play along and try a little. Instead you took what I wanted you to do and did the complete opposite.
I told him I don’t feel like I’m special to him anymore. That we’re sitting too comfortably in a routine and he doesn’t think he has to fight for me. Well, he does. He didn’t understand any of what I was saying, and was trying to fight with me about it. He claimed I was “assaulting” him, when I was only telling him my deepest fears and concerns and trying to be honest with him. So I broke up with him (but just for a moment.) It was this huge ordeal, where I said it and then I got up and startd running away from him. He chased me, and I eventually just collapsed in the middle of the street. I had been crying for hours before, but now I was sobbing. He did everything he never used to do when I would cry: he held me tightly, stroked my hair, and told me it was going to be okay. I sobbed on him for almost an hour (we moved out of the street) and told him I was so sorry and I didn’t mean it. I could never break up with him. Never. And that’s true. Those words only came out of my mouth because I was scared he would never understand me, and I wanted to force him to fight for me. That was stupid. I was stupid.
But tonight I got off work and went home. I texted him to ask what he was doing, and he said he was at a friend’s house and they were going to watch a movie. Him and two girls. So I sort of prompted him to invite me, although he didn’t seem so enthusiastic, and I drove the ten miles to her house. I guess I was expecting too much, or something, because I didn’t feel like I was very welcome. He wasn’t excited or happy I was there, and then when I left I was crying as he walked me to my car. I told him that all of those things I said last night about not feeling special… He was supposed to take that and try to make it better by doing his best to pay attention to me and making sure I was okay. But he couldn’t do that, so I drove away crying for the sixth or seventh time in a row.
I don’t know what I deserve.
All of these posts are making him sound horrible, but that’s only because I started this blog at the beginning of my frustration. He really was amazing for (MOST OF) the eleven months we’ve been together. It’s just that you’re coming in a little late, so you’ve missed the good parts and featured now is a little rough patch in our relationship.
Frequency.
I’m pretty good about writing something every day, or every other day. If you’re here, leave a comment. Especially if you have some advice to offer. I’m interested in who’s reading.
Mood: Disappointed. I’ve cried every day for the past week or so because I’m disappointed. I’m unfulfilled. I have expectations and they aren’t being met. Do I deserve them? Do I deserve better?
I’m so stressed. My skin is so dry. I’m not sleeping, I’m not eating. I’m procrastinating on my homework, which is unusual. I can’t think and I can’t pay attention in class.
Tonight I have a headache. Tonight I am not crying, but I should be. I’m sure it would relieve the pressure.
Bad night.
I just don’t know what I want out of the relationship anymore. Tonight he did everything wrong, and it made me so angry I just stopped talking to him.
I think maybe he’s feeling the same way, but I hope not. This is just a phase for me and I don’t want it to cause permanent damage.
This is not a breakthrough.
I keep driving home disappointed. I just don’t come home happy anymore. I haven’t had any fabulous nights in a while. I’m pretty sure I’m falling into the depression stage I was in this time last year. Tonight I’m sure it was the weather. The cold. I just wish I could fast-forward through winter. I hate Christmas, and I hate having to defrost my car in the morning.
I’m getting really tired of my boyfriend. It’s been so long, and I love being in a relationship, but he’s been annoying me (to the extreme) daily and I’m just not sure I can take much more. We’ve cut back on the fighting since I uninstalled my instant messenger, but it seems like all of my negative feelings are building up (when they would have been unleashed during a fight). We were fighting a few times a week about really trivial things, and they all just blew up into the unbearable.
So I don’t know: Should I let him go? Should I try to ride it out? I know it’s really only a matter of time before my mood picks up again. It’s this time of year, it’s Christmas coming up, it’s the circumstances of last year haunting my memories, and it’s not him. But I know I’m going to be miserable for the next few months, and our relationship will definitely suffer because of it.
You’re probably wondering what I was proving
Are you choosing?
Am I losing you tonight?
Is it over, over?
Are we fading?
I want to open up to someone new. Someone who knows very little or nothing about me. Just have a conversation where I explain myself and get unbiased feedback. I don’t have anyone I can trust to be that person.
Now you’ve had your chance
So lets try my way, it’s my day
To show you what you’re missing, turn around
And feel the winds of change upon your face again
The warm breath of your closest friend
I’m waiting, I’m waiting
Driving is my medication. The last few nights I’ve gotten in my car to come home and just started crying. Of course I’m not such a safe driver when I can’t see through my tears. Knowing I could crash at any second is such a rush, especially when I’m free from my seatbelt and flirting with double the speed limit. When I’m angry or upset, I accelerate. Slowly pressing the gas pedal to the floor and hearing the engine kick through gears is so powerful. It’s the antidote to my desperation.
I’m back on my October death wish.
Ready? Begin.
This is a fresh start.
I’ve started so many blogs. I’m sure I’m in the double digits by now. I can’t just stick to one because I don’t like having all of my thoughts in one place. I usually start them off private and then I grant my friends access, but it seems like once I do that the writing loses its magic. I know I can never be truly one hundred percent honest, or I’d talk to them about what I write and I wouldn’t need so many blogs. This one’s going to stay private. (Although in the future I’ll probably link them to this “interesting girl I’ve been reading about” and leave them to figure it out.)
I want this to be my peaceful and calming safe haven where I hash out all of my problems. Seriously, I feel better typing something out than talking it out. Ideas form better and I can pause without having to fill empty silence. It’s so comfortable and quiet and perfect for me.
I’m pretty normal. I attend community college four days a week, I have a boyfriend who loves me (it’s almost been a year, wow), I try to keep friends, but I’m slowly losing touch with them due to the aforementioned circumstances, I just got a job that I’m hoping will be fun, and I’m living at home. Oh, and we just got a kitten. She’s been meowing all night because she has to stay in the bathroom and she wants to explore the house, hence why I’m awake past 4:30.
I’m not looking forward to picking a theme, a title, or messing with my settings and widgets. That’s always been my least favorite part. I had to make a completely new account because my other one has my name attached to it and it’ll show up on Google as “_____ wrote:” which is something I absolutely do not want. But moving away from that, and back to me.
I’m a little mad at my boyfriend. But what else is new? It seems like it’s something every day, and it’s usually just him getting on my nerves or not being everything I want in a boyfriend, which is ridiculous to expect, I KNOW, but we’re past the “getting comfortable” phase and into the “let’s make our relationship stronger” phase, during which I try to change him to suit my needs. Obviously he is unwilling to yield to my demands (or take my hints and suggestions), and I’m unhappy about it. It’s getting to the point where I can’t stand to be around him as much as I am, and I don’t know how to tell him that his stubbornness is hurting our relationship without it totally backfiring.
I’m mad about something specific tonight, though. I just don’t want to go into detail because of the whole anonymity thing. Don’t think I’m crazy.
Okay, you can if you want. I probably am.
I think this is a wrap. A nice introduction, but lacking some major content.
